This is the first time I have ever blogged...I figured what better time than now since all I have is time...I'll explain.....

I am 27 years old, soon to be 28 on January, 9th, 2010.  I am engaged to my best friend of 6 years and we live in Des Moines, Iowa.  I was born in Florida and moved a lot because my father was in the Navy.  We ended up in the beautiful state of Maine where I spent most of my life.  

At the age of 14 I began experiencing a good amount of pain in my back that no Doctor could pin point or explain.  From a very early age I was active in sports, mainly Softball, which I loved and excelled at.  I played 1st base and was the fastest underhand fast-pitch pitcher in my division for Junior Varsity and Varsity in Junior High and High School.  I also played on the local recreational team every summer and went all around the state teaching pitching clinics to young girls just starting out in the sport.  I had college scouts watching me play beginning in the 8th grade.  As I played through my high school years I was offered a scholarship to the best college in the state of Maine!  I was so excited!  However, my victory was short-lived. When I was 17 I injured my right shoulder and the pain in my back had become much worse.  I was unable to follow through with the obligations of the scholarship and could not attend the following year.  I was heartbroken.  Playing softball as a career was my goal growing up.  It was the one thing I was good at.  

As I got older the pain became worse and worse.  I would see Doctor after Doctor only to be told that "there could not be this much wrong with me", and "I was too young to be experiencing this much pain".  You see, I have a good amount of tattoos and body piercings.  I am very easily judged by others more conservative than myself, and even more easily dismissed.  I worked full time, owned my own car, paid my own bills, and lived in my own apartment, but still I was looked upon as a delinquent. 

At the age of 18 I began using heroin to ease my severe pain and discomfort.  I figured if the Doctors were telling me all I was looking for were drugs, maybe that was what would help me feel better?  Yeah, I know, not a bright idea..but it's all I had.  It worked for a time, but then I found myself addicted and in the business of dealing to maintain enough money to sustain my habit.  At one point I had a $1000 or more a DAY habit that was taking over my life.....but I wasn't in pain.  Finally, on my birthday of all days, I made the decision to quit.  I had no idea it was my birthday...

I moved in with a very close friend and quit the junk cold turkey.  I spent 3 days locked in an empty bedroom in the most agonizing pain of my life.  But I did it, and I have been clean going on 9 years this January.

Since then I have been diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia,  Acute Widespread Pain Disorder, Sciatica, Neuralgia, and a few years ago, I herniated a disc in my lower back.  On top of that, I don't sleep because I can not get comfortable, I am extremely depressed and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks along with nightmares, night terrors and sleep paralysis....when I sleep.  If that was not enough, I have recently began to exhibit signs of an auto immune response.  This is generally what happens before one develops an auto immune disease...basically, the body begins to attack healthy tissue, such as skin and organs, for no reason.  

The reason I am sharing all of this is because I have been unemployed since October 29th, 2009, and I live in the basement of my fiance's mother.  My pain has hit an all-time high, and I was simply unable to do my job.  I can not sit or stand for longer than 10 minutes, I usually have to lay down after a short time.  I can not walk up or down stairs without assistance, and I usually need to use a cane to walk, as I tend to lose my balance easily and fall quite frequently.

I am so frustrated because I am still very young but I just can't function how I should be able to.  I would love to be able to go to the gym for 3 hours, 7 days a week like I used to.  I was in great physical shape and ate a very healthy vegetarian diet.  I have two college degrees, one in Criminal Justice and the other in Medical Assisting.  I have excellent references and a great amount of experience in the Mental Health and Crisis Intervention field, but I can not get out of bed most days....

I have decided to start this blog in hopes of finding someone who knows and understands what I am going through so I can get some pointers on what to do next??  I need to make some kind of income so I feel as though I can still contribute in some way.  I feel terribly inadequate and insufficient....I need help!  There has to be someone with some ideas on how I might go about earning some kind of a living using what I have at home...As you can probably tell, I am not an ignorant person.  I am quite intelligent and have a vast amount of people and communication skills.  I am very friendly and outgoing and I love people.  I have worked full time since I was 17 years old, some times holding down 2 jobs if it meant independence.  I am not lazy or dishonest.  I believe in working for my money.  But at the moment, I can do very little.  My Doctors are at a loss as to what to do next, so for now I remain on pain killers and bed rest.  I want to reclaim my independence somehow.  I just need the tools in which to do so.

To those of you who read this, thank you.  If you have any information which might help me, or point me in the right direction, I welcome it.  I still have a lot to offer as long as I walk this Earth.  I can not, and will not, give up....more to come...