Wow, you have a tough row to hoe.

obviously pointing out your mistakes does not help your problem, so i will only offer an outsiders opinion on what I would do to correct your situation.

Getting your wife on board is the most important thing you can do b/c you will have to change a lot of things.  If you will not take a loss on your primary residence, sell it. buy something smaller, or better yet, rent something until you are at zero. keep the investment, lower the rents, and only rent to people with spotless backgrounds. that always works better for us.

sell both cars private party. buy two cars in the 5-8K range.

stop contributing to your childrens 529's, you cannot afford to do that until you have no debt. You are paying interest on your credit cards, yet trying to make interest on their 529 plans? making more in the market than your credit card interest rate? i doubt it. same goes for 401K, stop until the high interest debt is gone. you must be militant about paying it down.

no unnecessary expenses until things are better. you are one emergency away from serious default. you have lots of assets, but how many can you touch if needed?

no eating out, no lunches out, cancel the cable and the newspaper, get rid of the CC debt. then reevalutate.

BTW, our household spends $400/mo on groceries. two people, organic food, eat almost every meal at home (dinner out maybe 2x a month)

you have to want it bad enough, soon enough.